“Everything is fine, and yet I still feel as though I am about to be abandoned.”
For some people, a romantic relationship can be a source not only of safety and closeness but also of intense anxiety. Even when there is no obvious problem in the partner's behaviour, a person may experience thoughts that the relationship will end, that their partner will lose interest, or that they will choose someone else.
So why can such intense anxiety be felt when there is no clear problem?
What Is Relationship Anxiety?
Relationship anxiety can be thought of as a person experiencing recurring worries about the safety or continuity of their romantic relationship.
A small change in the partner's tone of voice, not replying for a few hours, or wanting some time alone can become a powerful threat signal for some people. But there is an important distinction here:
Why Do I Keep Feeling as Though I'll Be Abandoned?
The psychodynamic approach seeks to understand the connection between the intense emotional reactions that arise in present-day relationships and past relational experiences.
If there have been experiences of rejection, inconsistency, emotional neglect or loss in past relationships with important people, a person may become more sensitive — when forming closeness in adulthood — to the possibility that a similar loss could happen again.
This does not mean that all relationship anxiety stems from childhood experiences. The features of the current relationship, past romantic experiences, the person's self-perception and their stress levels should also be considered.
How Does Relationship Anxiety Persist From a CBT Perspective?
Anxiety often brings with it a search for certainty. To soothe themselves, a person may:
- Repeatedly seek reassurance from their partner.
- Analyse messages and behaviours.
- Check social media.
- “Test” their partner.
- Want to talk constantly about the future of the relationship.
These can provide short-term relief. But when a person has to obtain reassurance every time they feel anxious, they may lose the opportunity to sit with uncertainty on their own. In this way, reassurance-seeking behaviour can unintentionally contribute to the anxiety continuing.
Is Every Fear of Abandonment Unrealistic?
No. The aim in psychotherapy is not to tell a person, “It's all your anxiety; there's nothing wrong with your partner.”
If a partner behaves inconsistently, or there is infidelity, manipulation, boundary violations, or the relationship genuinely has features that do not inspire trust, these need to be evaluated separately.
A sound psychological assessment takes into account both the person's inner world and the real conditions of the relationship.
Can Relationship Anxiety Be Worked On?
In psychotherapy, a person can work on noticing their triggers, evaluating their automatic thoughts, understanding their reassurance-seeking behaviours and regulating their emotions in a more functional way.
At the same time, the question “Why is the possibility of abandonment, in particular, so threatening for me?” can help the person understand their deeper relational patterns.
In Short: Abandonment Anxiety
The fear of abandonment can sometimes stem from the conditions of the present relationship, sometimes from past experiences, and most often from the interaction of several factors.
For this reason, the aim is not merely to silence the anxiety but to understand what the anxiety is expressing and which cycles are keeping it going.
If you would like to work on the fear of abandonment, relationship anxiety or the reassurance-seeking cycle, we can explore them together in an online therapy process.
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